Where Is My Lost Part?

I have always perceived that I am no good as opposed to others. I whined, full with anger and even refused from joining the crowd simply because of inferiority complex that shrouded me. But then, I wonder, am I going to be like this for the rest of my life? Obviously I need to find the one that would differentiate me than others but where and how do I find it?

In the past, people said that I am unique as I tend to be different than others up to one stage that they could not accept me for who I am due to my uniqueness. But I did not know what are my strengths. I failed so many times in my life to be a good son, a good husband, a good employee and the ultimate servant of God. I maybe as young as 28 but then my level of thinking is beyond that because I have always wanted a life that cant be imagined by others in other words, far from reach. But I continue to move on what remains still on this earth in order for me to reach that goal. 

I cried whilst no one else know about it. I cried because I thought that I had failed in my life. I am scared that people would tease me prior to my failure in life. I used to failed during my adolescent day where I failed to be a good friend to all friends of mine because  of me being soft spoken and this had left a huge scars deep inside my heart and it goes on till I did my diploma course and I was even bashed by my own room mates for things that I did not do and those who thought that they were so perfect. I wasted my adolescent day merely because of all the hardships that I had to go through back then. But I moved on, with big scars left inside my heart.

I thought that when I started my working life things would be ok, but I was wrong. What is wrong with my working attitude? How about others who had worse attitude than I do? Did they ever look at them? But why me? I had tried to be a good employees but this is what I get, a boot from my boss. They said it is normal in working life, and yes I can accept it but when I was about to perform, same things happened again; some people really cant see me living in peace. This is where I began to have doubt in me, I have no confident at all over things that I do that I only saw weaknesses in me but not my strengths. I blamed myself for all failures happened to me. I am just a bad omen to my miserable life. 

I continue to search the lost inner me. I only have 2 years to go before I reach 30. I had set a target to get what I had been dreaming of before I enter my 30's. But I wonder will I be able to get it? I am afraid it wont come into reality. I don't want to fail anymore; never ever again. Sometimes I feel like running from my troubles but I know I wont be able to runaway from it. So now, I am searching and will continue searching my strengths and the lost part of mine, that tells how extra ordinary I am. I cried while I note this down, because I really want to see success in my life and claim back what I had been wasting in the past, from my adolescent to my 20's. I want to stay young forever without a single signage of aging even at my old age. 

I hope that I will be able to achieve it. But I will find my strengths first before I can move on to claim the wastage of my past life. I will move on until I reach my ultimate goals. I have always been inspired by the founder of Mercedes-Benz; Mr Karl Benz and Mr Gottlieb Daimler on how they work in upbringing the image of this prestigious brand of Mercedes-Benz for the past 125 years. I wish I can be like them, full with determination and will power and faith. I will move on and I will make sure that my star will also shines like the Mercedes-Benz three pointed stars emblem that symbolize prosperity and continue to shine for my next generations. 

Where is my lost part? I dont know...... 

-Fadhil Zhafri-

1240 hrs