I am writing in sorrow and depressed.
When I did my diploma back in 2001, I was being mistreated and misunderstood by most people at the university where I studied. They treated me like a lifeless doll; bashed without mercy, being isolated without concrete reasons and the only I was made to understand was I was being arrogant. Hello, get a life will you? Arrogant? My foot! I tried to be nice with most of you guys but this is what I get? Bashed without mercy and avoiding me by hook or by crook. Well who's being cruel and arrogant? At the end of the day, they would be looking for me to help them accomplish their assignments and once done, mistreated me again and again. Hello!!! I am human not a robot, I have feelings too. But what I can see was they were being ignorant. To those who bashed me, I have forgiven you guys but sorry, I wont accept you anymore in my life as my friend and I regard you are dead in my life and I have deleted all of you completely. But why I am writing this? As my expression which I should have done earlier. I dont hate you guys in the first place but you guys made me hate you so badly.
Gone with my diploma, I pursued my degree in 2005 after a year time off. Though I was thrown far away up at the edge of the northern part of Peninsular Malaysia, I am thankful to be there because there I met my true friends; my housemates. However, once again I was hurt badly when I was there because of this "Black Magic Witch". She caused a lot of disaster in my life that causing me to lose friends around my circles there and I utmost lose my housemates. She was nothing but a disaster to my life. Treating me like her slave, following her instructions and even bad mouthing my family and I to all my friends. What kind of woman is that? She was my first love and the first woman in the world to broke my heart so badly. She controlled me like a mad lady and even warned all girls not to approach me or else..... (think what would happen). When I called off the relationships with her, she screamed, shouting over the phone like a mad witch seeing her spell did not worked well on her victims. It was not the first time I gave her chance to change but she refused to change and fed up, I walked away from her life and putting my deep passion in cars that I treat them like treating ladies. Even if that mad witch wanted me back in her life, HELL NO that I will go back to her because she is nothing but a parasite in my life, causing me living a disastrous life!
Frustrated with my wasted university life (both diploma (being bashed and mistreated) and degree (Black Magic Witch), I thought that my life would be better when I started working but....(paused because it hurts me badly) working environment particularly office job is yet another pain in the ass experience. I remembered when I was attached with this prestigious national car maker company based in the outskirt of KL, I thought that my life would be better but then, it was the nature of people who cant seem to see others living happily ever after hence almost all my efforts did not work and resulted with success. I was very frustrated being victimized that way more over I already engaged that time, yes I engaged with this lovely girl after two long years living alone after being hurt badly by that "Black Magic Witch". I was very frustrated with what happened in my life and I walked off. Why should I go through all this? I am beginning to cry now.... why not those who mistreated me and others? Why? Why? Why?????? Ohhh... most people said, it is normal, part and parcel of life but then, until when???? when will this be over? until the day I die? I wont forgive those who mistreated me and it is not wrong right for me to mistreat others? Karma man.....karma.....
So now I am punishing myself for being 2 years behind my target in my life. All plans planned earlier did not worked out at all that I told myself no more leisure time for me and cracking my head 24/7 all year long within this 2 years time line as punishment to me for not being able to fulfilled my target. I wont forgive myself if I dont get it until the day I died. Gone are the good part of me and now I can see the dark side of me, punishing myself to the limit that I can go to the extend of hurting myself physically because I wanted to reach my target so badly. I wanted to prove to all people who love to underestimates me that I am capable of making miracles in life. But then, things did not work out well so punishing myself is the best thing in the world. I dont want to eat good meals because good meals caused me to be lazy hence, I keep myself starving by working continually without stopping as a form of punishment for me. Until I reach my target goal then only I will appreciate myself. And I hate people who perceived that I am older than my actual age, I hate looking old and wanted to look young and stay young forever. Sometimes I am jealous over other good looking man, not only for his look (flawless look and no scars; thank you Mr Sinusitis for making my face this ugly!) but what he has in his hands, branded cars (especially Mercedes-Benz), branded clothes and big houses, how I wish I have them all....
As long as I live, the punishment for myself will continue until I reach my target. Hate being rich at old age with grey hair around me. I want to grow rich at young age and I will continue to punish myself. I wont forgive myself if I dont get what I want in my life! Till then... I am off now....could not bear the sorrow anymore and my eyes are teary now! To those who likes mistreating others, remember karma, it will go back to you someday!. And to the Black Magic Witch, get a life witch! I hate you and I dont want you back in my life! As for myself, you are punished for not reaching your target goals and you only have 2 years more to go. Will I be able to achieve it or else I will continue to punish myself..... *Sigh with teary eyes*
-Fadhil Zhafri-
Jalan Ara, Bangsar
1410 hrs
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